Flowers for a Friend

This was a commissioned piece that a customer decided they didn't want.  Incidentally, they never even saw the piece.  And that was OK.  When I agreed to make the piece I truly didn't need for them to purchase it.  I was happy to make it.  The interesting thing that I share in making this particular piece, was that I purposely tried to keep myself out of the piece.  I wanted it to be about them and not me.  

I liked the piece, but never loved it.  It just felt a wee flat to me.  That is probably why I didn't mind them not purchasing it.

I recently bought a frame and decided to frame it.  As I revisited this piece, I decided to add myself back into the image.  I LOVED doing this.  I poured all of me into it!  I put in all my sensuality, I put in all the complex emotions that I have felt since making this piece and the feelings I was feeling when I originally made the piece.

It was an amazing process.  There were times when I thought I really ruined the piece - almost ripped it up, almost white washed over it.  There were times I fought with it, times when I danced with it.

And in the end I absolutely fell in love with this piece.  It has so much more depth and feeling to it now.  It feels alive.  It is now framed and hanging in my front room.  It is the largest of the Flower Vase series.

It was a great lesson.  Keep me in the art.  All my parts - shadow and light.

Loved, Held and Safe

I remember a time in my life when I felt absolutely safe and held.  Nothing could hurt me.  I knew without a doubt that I was loved and safe in my mother's arms.  It was the most amazing feeling.

Sometimes I wish I could crawl back into her lap and be held.  To have her stroke my hair and tell me all is well and know without a doubt that it is.

I remember so clearly the first time I understood this in an adult way.  I was about 12 or 13.  It was late summer/early fall.  I had just started seventh grade in a new town and a new home.  It was one of those perfect Autumn evenings.  The air stirring through the windows was still warm with the hint of cooler times to come.  The early evening sounds - that I still cherish - bird songs, frogs beginning to chirp, sounds of kids laughter outside and best of all, the sound of my Mom downstairs cooking dinner.

This perfect evening was seemingly interrupted (in reality it was perfect in it's imperfection).  I recall the crash of noise as several people ran between my house and the neighbors, knocking over garbage cans in their desperation to get away.  Then, the sounds of barking dogs and police searching around my house.  The Police knocked on the door looking for "bad guys" and advised my mom to lock up.

I remember feeling so scared and vulnerable, afraid that the "bad guys" would come into our house and hurt me.  I remember watching as my mom went around and locked all the doors and windows.

I tell her that I am afraid, and what she said to me I will never forget and I thank her for it everyday.

I don't recall her exact words, but what she basically said was, she would give up her life for mine.  She would protect me and my siblings at all costs.  Even if the "bad guys" came into the house they would have to face the Grizzly Bear of my Mother.

I don't think I understood the depth of her love until that moment.  And even though that conversation took place in the blink of an eye - as she was locking up the house, it stopped time for me.  In that moment, my heart was blown wide open, and because of it, I walk differently on this earth.

Even after all the pain that came later, as my mother feel deep into mental illness, I had that gift.  She gave me a precious gift - the gift of a mother's love and the knowing that comes with that - that you are loved, held and safe.

I wish I could tell her again how profound that moment was for me.